i shot my first roll of film when i was 9 (that infamous trip to washington DC with grandma). i got my first camera (purchased with ‘reward points’ from my parents’ credit card) when i was 13. i got my first nikon camera (a christmas gift from my parents; nikon because of the lyrics to the paul simon song kodachrome) in college, in celebration of my first time singing at carnegie hall. (i left the nikon on a chair in the hotel lobby three days into the trip. i’m still pretty sad about that loss.) Bear got me a really nice Minolta film camera as a wedding gift in 1999 (fyi: i got him a guitar). my first digital camera was a birthday gift from Bear in 2002. i took a photography class and sold a picture to a magazine in 2005, which planted the seed to someday “go pro”. i bought my first dslr (the bigger, faster camera) around the same time. i had a baby in january 2006 (have i ever mentioned this kid, emma magnolia?) and, even though i wasn’t particularly good at the time, realized that portraiture is the thing i love best. i’ve taken at least a picture a day (usually more like 20-100 pictures a day, sometimes as many as 500+ a day if we were somewhere beachy with great bokeh) for 99% of emma’s life. i did eventually go pro, and i did eventually get much better at portraits…these days i’m still taking the dailies of my kid, but i’m also doing newborn shoots and family shoots and even weddings.
to be honest, sometimes it’s been more of an addiction. to be honest, sometimes (although not always) it’s more fun to edit pictures of my own family than my clients. to be honest, sometimes i get bored by my own work, when the pictures get into a visual rut and all start looking the same. to be honest, sometimes i take good pictures straight out of the camera and sometimes i have to work a lot harder.
here’s the thing:
i genuinely feel happier, more centered, on days when i take good pictures. that twinkle in the eye, that memory captured, that little way a child slouches her shoulders when she’s studying something up close…seeing those moments caught in a picture gives me a rush of calm. finding a pretty new location, taking emma out for a photoshoot…these feel like secret little family missions. when emma and i are out together on a “mini-shoot”, we laugh and connect and get creative. sometimes she ignores the camera and just lets me do my thing. on (fortunately) rarer occasions, i trade lollipops for eye-contact. either way, it’s a moment shared between just the two of us, no matter how bustling the scene around us. it’s our “special time”; sometimes she specifically asks if we can go out and take pictures. i never refuse.
even the act of posting the pictures every day is special to me. we have family around the world that has “gotten to know” emma through the daily pictures, literally watching her grow day by day. i can look back by date and see exactly where we were (and what we wore) in past years. we have a record of our days, and it feels like a celebration of our everyday life.
today emma got out my tripod and one of her toy cameras and asked if she could take my picture (this particular camera no longer works, but she always pretends it’s a polaroid and “shows” me an imaginary picture after each shot). she set up her gear and said “one minute; i need to check the light”. she told me how to pose and when we were allowed to “switch cameras” (eg: when i was allowed to take her picture). it was just a silly little game, but it felt like was the next step in our photo journey together: emma as camera-lover.
if, despite the fact that she’s had a camera in her face since day one, emma grows into a person that knows the joy of finding the perfect shot, i’ll be so happy. because i’m telling you: sometimes getting lost in picture-taking is perfect therapy to combat the stresses of life. the world is more vibrant and fresh when you’re looking with your eyes wide open.
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maybe your zen isn’t found in taking pictures. maybe you can’t imagine looking forward to the same activity every day for years. whatever it is that really makes your heart sing, i hope you find what it is and take time to indulge as often as possible. truly.
xoxo
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[ps: here's the first 365-day project i did with emma. awww, my sweet smooshy baby; weren't those cheeks amazing?]
it makes me uncomfortable when i see little girls dressed like teenagers. i feel like it will be all too soon that we’re butting heads over how short is too short for a skirt, parsing the social pros and cons of dying her hair pink, or debating whether she’s old enough to wear eyeliner. i treasure the innocence and acceptance of mama’s judgement that we’ve got going on, and because emma doesn’t spend much time with older kids, she doesn’t really see many examples that make her want to push the boundaries very much (other than a general refusal to wear pants in the house).
nail polish is one of those little details i’ve been avoiding. oh, i’ll admit that it’s not just because i think bright chipped nail polish on a tiny tot is a little too much, a little too pageant-y; it’s also because i have nightmares about a kid getting into the polish herself, covering the floors and furniture and goodness knows what else with glittery finger paint.
in the midst of the recent heatwave, to celebrate the freedom of summer and the kid’s remarkable patience and self-entertaining during my frequent afternoon naps, i decided it was time. she picked out a light sparkly blue and settled in for her at-home spa treatment (in a chair in front of the tv, watching yo gabba gabba). she sat so perfectly still for 15 minutes while it dried, and for the following week she walked around with her hands held straight out for everyone to notice. she was so excited, and it made her feel like such a fancy big girl. it probably would’ve been no big deal in some households, but seeing how proud she was made me glad i’d waited for a “special day”; nail polish can keep being a rare treat for a while, and we’ve got a new reward for good behavior.
we all need extra sparkles sometimes.
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~ i don’t have a “bucket list”.
~ i don’t own a “little black dress” (although i do have a pretty yellow dress stored away in the closet in the highly unlikely event i’m ever a size 6/8)
~ i’m not a member of any clubs, and every time i’ve joined one, i’ve remembered that i’m really not a clubby sort of person
~ i’ve only been out of the US once, but i still dream of living abroad
~ i don’t have a retirement fund
~ at last check, i was told i’m not eligible for life insurance
~ i’m not worried
~ i’m actually quite happy
~ there are a lot of people vying for my time and attention; it took me many years to accept that i can’t be everything to everyone
~ i accept that some people in life will simply take a lot more than they ever give back
~ i don’t want to be one of those people
~ i’m not religious, but i think of myself as a very spiritual person
~ i just wish we could all live in the most truthful, loving, honest way possible
~ i’m really good at keeping secrets
~ i like to sit and watch the clouds roll by in a bright blue sky
~ i believe fresh cherries in the summertime make life infinitely sweeter
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those are my passing thoughts for this monday…hope your week starts off with inspiration and kindness.
you are loved. always.
xoxo
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[quote]
“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.” ~ susan sontag
[random things]
~ this week, with the blinds closed to keep out the heat, the houseplant in the window grew by about four inches. apparently we all crave our time away from the direct light.
~ 15-minute photoshoots with emma, when we’re both enjoying the process and goofing around and no one’s withholding eye contact, are my favorite zen-restorers. this is the kind of quality time that makes me smile all day.
~ a friend of mine has a callback interview for a reality-tv show today.
~ i do not like the colors purple and orange together.
~ the doctor says i’m low on vitamin B12. is that an energy-boosting one?
~ i absolutely love this twirling tooth-fairy link (thanks EB!); it reminds me how easy and fun it is to create magic and fun in the everyday. we need a little more magic around here (and i’m not inclined to wait for lost teeth).
* * *
hope your weekend is filled with growth, magic, and perfect zen. thank you all so much for being exactly who you are.
much love, always. xoxo
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* * *
i’m used to go-go-going. i’ve never slept much at night, and i like to think i can get through every task and project i set my mind to. it means a lot of frantic schedules and impossible-seeming projects finished just in time, but that’s the way i’m used to making it work. at the moment, though, i’m completely at the mercy of my body. i’m really not complaining (the end product will definitely be worth the nine-month process), but i’m finding myself in a position where i have to adjust my expectations and acceptance of myself. i’m having to slow down, do nothing, take more time than i’d like to get to things, accept that there are other things i just can’t do right now. i’m finding that i feel weak – mentally and physically – and even though it’s my typical instinct to push back and make it all happen no matter how i feel, this time i’m just accepting that my body is the one calling the shots. it’s humbling and hard for me, but i’m learning from the downtime, too. i have to let go of things, have to work from the inside out, taking care of myself and my family first. i have to take it slowly, and be patient with my current limitations.
today will be a success if i can do the following:
~ wash my hair
~ get my printer to work
~ go to the post office
~ get emma to tap class on time
~ drink more water
~ not melt in the heat
~ laugh heartily
that’s not asking too much, right?
right?
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whatever you’re doing today, i hope you’re being easy on yourself, too. it’s pretty dang liberating.
xoxo
[trips to the ice cream shop are good for the soul, too]