* * *

~ when i have early-morning appointments and time requirements, i tend to wake up every hour or so during the night to check the time and make sure the alarm clock is still set. i only get anxiety in my sleep.

~ today emma told me that she likes to make lists. apparently her lists have reminders like “water the potato-heads” and “pick the radishes” (which she actually pronounces “pick the rashes”)

~ at the indianapolis airport they had t-shirts that said “Indiana. Nothing tips like a cow” and i was sooo tempted to get one for the kid. (not that i’ve ever tipped a cow, but somehow the whole “heartland” seems so much more fun/funny/quaint to me from a distance.)

~ the only thing train-wreckier than the pageant moms and stepford daughters on Toddlers and Tiaras are the pageant moms who, dripping with desperation and barely-concealed resentment, put their little boys on the pageant circuit. i’m not trying to push any gender stereotypes on anybody (any more than the entire pageant concept does on it’s own), but really… really?

~ not that i’m judging or anything. oh no, not me.

* * *

happpy thursday, friends. hope you’re feeling well-rested, worry free, and “full glitz”.
xoxo

* * *

[freckles!]

this is the part where i’m supposed to tell you about our trip back to the great Hoosier State and what a fantabulous time we had. rest assured we really did have a grand ol’ time, but i can’t even begin to recap the thing because (a) i’ve got post-trip fatigue/jet-lag/hangover* so badly that i can barely even upload the pictures, and (b) due to primitive electric situations and mid-trip fatigue/jet-lag/hangover* i couldn’t even plug in my computer for most of the week, which means that (b1) i’m now a week further behind on some projects that needed to be signed, sealed, and delivered last week. oh, and also (c) one of the quirks of this pregnancy seems to be that i can hardly bear to sit at the computer anymore (and i used to be fully addicted!). so, um….a picture recap is forthcoming, but on summer leisure time. i’m sure you’ll wait with bated breath.

[* not a real hangover. the hardest thing i'm drinking these days is decaf. this is simply week 12 of the part of pregnancy that feels like a relentless hangover. whee!

** i can't believe i just clarified that. i'm just a little leery of people that take things out of context and start rumors, ya' know?

*** i'm not referring to you. i know you knew what i meant. i appreciate that you get me like that.]

* * *

[a little list to pass the time: nine good things that make me smile]

~ fruit-flavored sparkling water (i like drinks with bubbles, oh yes i do.)
~ freshly ironed clothes (ironed by someone else, of course)
~ a husband that brings home a fresh cupcake at the end of a long, tantrum-filled day
~ three-pronged outlets to accommodate modern technology
~ marilyn monroe movies
~ bluegrass music
~ white ruffled socks on little girls
~ striped hooded sweatshirts on little boys
~ paying down debt (all that fancy dental work is going to be paid off before baby arrives. just in time to buy a cadillac stroller! and maybe even a crib!)

* * *

have a happy, restful day, friends. i missed you!

* * *

* * *

we had such a lovely getaway. wonderful friends, fresh strawberry pie, beach pictures at golden hour with cooperative+beautiful children…what more could a person ask for? it was worth every bit of the debilitatingly lobster-red sunburn (despite an spf 50) i came home with (and even softened the blow of a weekend of stomach flu-ishness). this morning emma and i are headed out for another quick trip, this time via airplane to sunny southern indiana for visits with all the grandparents.

so many things yet to do (as well as some serious guilt about the unfinished things i’m leaving behind), but it’s only a five day trip, and we’ll be back to real life (with dozens and dozens of new pictures to share) soon enough, i suppose.

happy monday, friends. hope your week starts with adventure and a nice sunny glow.
xoxo

* * *

[brunch at Community with tito brian. i like to think she'd still love him this much even if he didn't own a brand new iphone...]

* * *

[random thursday things]

~ for most of her life, emma has had exactly three freckles; one under her eye, one next to her ear, and one on the bottom of her foot. this summer, she’s sprouted dozens of new ones. i love them (which is funny, because i never ever loved my own freckle-faced look. hers are different, so light and whimsical and fresh.)

~ i have been craving deviled eggs for the last 10 days, but keep forgetting to buy paprika. they just wouldn’t be right without paprika.

~ i really don’t mind not having a backyard, but i sure would love to swing away the summer days in a hammock.

~ few things are more teeth-gratingly, foot-tappingly annoying to me than being ignored.

~ at the same time, i wish random strangers would stop approaching me in public and telling me all their personal problems. bear says i have “one of those faces” that makes people think they can/should talk to me. i think i have “one of those faces” that attracts random crazy people.

~ these silly little lists show that i have an attention span worthy of twitter; i tried twitter a long time ago, but i really just can’t do it. i’m allergic to that much social-networking energy, and i have so many other time-wasters i’d rather pursue.

[three things i love]

~ funny tan lines on my feet from my favorite sandals; i like being able to see how sun-kissed i’ve gotten this summer, despite the fact that i’ve spent the past few weeks indoors (oh lordy, it’s been hot…)

~ finally having screens for our apartment windows. hello, open windows! goodbye mosquitoes!

~ caffeine. oh goodness how i miss my caffeine. (no, i’m not have headaches of withdrawal, i’m just so foggy without it…)

* * *

we’re packing up and going to the beach for a couple of days. jersey shore, as a matter of fact. stay tuned for sand pictures, sun pictures, and kid-in-a-cute-suit pictures. happy weekend, y’all!

xoxo

i shot my first roll of film when i was 9 (that infamous trip to washington DC with grandma). i got my first camera (purchased with ‘reward points’ from my parents’ credit card) when i was 13. i got my first nikon camera (a christmas gift from my parents; nikon because of the lyrics to the paul simon song kodachrome) in college, in celebration of my first time singing at carnegie hall. (i left the nikon on a chair in the hotel lobby three days into the trip. i’m still pretty sad about that loss.) Bear got me a really nice Minolta film camera as a wedding gift in 1999 (fyi: i got him a guitar). my first digital camera was a birthday gift from Bear in 2002. i took a photography class and sold a picture to a magazine in 2005, which planted the seed to someday “go pro”. i bought my first dslr (the bigger, faster camera) around the same time. i had a baby in january 2006 (have i ever mentioned this kid, emma magnolia?) and, even though i wasn’t particularly good at the time, realized that portraiture is the thing i love best. i’ve taken at least a picture a day (usually more like 20-100 pictures a day, sometimes as many as 500+ a day if we were somewhere beachy with great bokeh) for 99% of emma’s life. i did eventually go pro, and i did eventually get much better at portraits…these days i’m still taking the dailies of my kid, but i’m also doing newborn shoots and family shoots and even weddings.

to be honest, sometimes it’s been more of an addiction. to be honest, sometimes (although not always) it’s more fun to edit pictures of my own family than my clients. to be honest, sometimes i get bored by my own work, when the pictures get into a visual rut and all start looking the same. to be honest, sometimes i take good pictures straight out of the camera and sometimes i have to work a lot harder.

here’s the thing:
i genuinely feel happier, more centered, on days when i take good pictures. that twinkle in the eye, that memory captured, that little way a child slouches her shoulders when she’s studying something up close…seeing those moments caught in a picture gives me a rush of calm. finding a pretty new location, taking emma out for a photoshoot…these feel like secret little family missions. when emma and i are out together on a “mini-shoot”, we laugh and connect and get creative. sometimes she ignores the camera and just lets me do my thing. on (fortunately) rarer occasions, i trade lollipops for eye-contact. either way, it’s a moment shared between just the two of us, no matter how bustling the scene around us. it’s our “special time”; sometimes she specifically asks if we can go out and take pictures. i never refuse.

even the act of posting the pictures every day is special to me. we have family around the world that has “gotten to know” emma through the daily pictures, literally watching her grow day by day. i can look back by date and see exactly where we were (and what we wore) in past years. we have a record of our days, and it feels like a celebration of our everyday life.

today emma got out my tripod and one of her toy cameras and asked if she could take my picture (this particular camera no longer works, but she always pretends it’s a polaroid and “shows” me an imaginary picture after each shot). she set up her gear and said “one minute; i need to check the light”. she told me how to pose and when we were allowed to “switch cameras” (eg: when i was allowed to take her picture). it was just a silly little game, but it felt like was the next step in our photo journey together: emma as camera-lover.

if, despite the fact that she’s had a camera in her face since day one, emma grows into a person that knows the joy of finding the perfect shot, i’ll be so happy. because i’m telling you: sometimes getting lost in picture-taking is perfect therapy to combat the stresses of life. the world is more vibrant and fresh when you’re looking with your eyes wide open.

* * *

maybe your zen isn’t found in taking pictures. maybe you can’t imagine looking forward to the same activity every day for years. whatever it is that really makes your heart sing, i hope you find what it is and take time to indulge as often as possible. truly.

xoxo

* * *

[ps: here's the first 365-day project i did with emma. awww, my sweet smooshy baby; weren't those cheeks amazing?]

it makes me uncomfortable when i see little girls dressed like teenagers. i feel like it will be all too soon that we’re butting heads over how short is too short for a skirt, parsing the social pros and cons of dying her hair pink, or debating whether she’s old enough to wear eyeliner. i treasure the innocence and acceptance of mama’s judgement that we’ve got going on, and because emma doesn’t spend much time with older kids, she doesn’t really see many examples that make her want to push the boundaries very much (other than a general refusal to wear pants in the house).

nail polish is one of those little details i’ve been avoiding. oh, i’ll admit that it’s not just because i think bright chipped nail polish on a tiny tot is a little too much, a little too pageant-y; it’s also because i have nightmares about a kid getting into the polish herself, covering the floors and furniture and goodness knows what else with glittery finger paint.

in the midst of the recent heatwave, to celebrate the freedom of summer and the kid’s remarkable patience and self-entertaining during my frequent afternoon naps, i decided it was time. she picked out a light sparkly blue and settled in for her at-home spa treatment (in a chair in front of the tv, watching yo gabba gabba). she sat so perfectly still for 15 minutes while it dried, and for the following week she walked around with her hands held straight out for everyone to notice. she was so excited, and it made her feel like such a fancy big girl. it probably would’ve been no big deal in some households, but seeing how proud she was made me glad i’d waited for a “special day”; nail polish can keep being a rare treat for a while, and we’ve got a new reward for good behavior.

we all need extra sparkles sometimes.

* * *

~ i don’t have a “bucket list”.
~ i don’t own a “little black dress” (although i do have a pretty yellow dress stored away in the closet in the highly unlikely event i’m ever a size 6/8)
~ i’m not a member of any clubs, and every time i’ve joined one, i’ve remembered that i’m really not a clubby sort of person
~ i’ve only been out of the US once, but i still dream of living abroad
~ i don’t have a retirement fund
~ at last check, i was told i’m not eligible for life insurance
~ i’m not worried
~ i’m actually quite happy
~ there are a lot of people vying for my time and attention; it took me many years to accept that i can’t be everything to everyone
~ i accept that some people in life will simply take a lot more than they ever give back
~ i don’t want to be one of those people
~ i’m not religious, but i think of myself as a very spiritual person
~ i just wish we could all live in the most truthful, loving, honest way possible
~ i’m really good at keeping secrets
~ i like to sit and watch the clouds roll by in a bright blue sky
~ i believe fresh cherries in the summertime make life infinitely sweeter

* * *

those are my passing thoughts for this monday…hope your week starts off with inspiration and kindness.
you are loved. always.
xoxo

* * *

[quote]

“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.” ~ susan sontag

[random things]

~ this week, with the blinds closed to keep out the heat, the houseplant in the window grew by about four inches. apparently we all crave our time away from the direct light.

~ 15-minute photoshoots with emma, when we’re both enjoying the process and goofing around and no one’s withholding eye contact, are my favorite zen-restorers. this is the kind of quality time that makes me smile all day.

~ a friend of mine has a callback interview for a reality-tv show today.

~ i do not like the colors purple and orange together.

~ the doctor says i’m low on vitamin B12. is that an energy-boosting one?

~ i absolutely love this twirling tooth-fairy link (thanks EB!); it reminds me how easy and fun it is to create magic and fun in the everyday. we need a little more magic around here (and i’m not inclined to wait for lost teeth).

* * *

hope your weekend is filled with growth, magic, and perfect zen. thank you all so much for being exactly who you are.
much love, always. xoxo

* * *

* * *

i’m used to go-go-going. i’ve never slept much at night, and i like to think i can get through every task and project i set my mind to. it means a lot of frantic schedules and impossible-seeming projects finished just in time, but that’s the way i’m used to making it work. at the moment, though, i’m completely at the mercy of my body. i’m really not complaining (the end product will definitely be worth the nine-month process), but i’m finding myself in a position where i have to adjust my expectations and acceptance of myself. i’m having to slow down, do nothing, take more time than i’d like to get to things, accept that there are other things i just can’t do right now. i’m finding that i feel weak – mentally and physically – and even though it’s my typical instinct to push back and make it all happen no matter how i feel, this time i’m just accepting that my body is the one calling the shots. it’s humbling and hard for me, but i’m learning from the downtime, too. i have to let go of things, have to work from the inside out, taking care of myself and my family first. i have to take it slowly, and be patient with my current limitations.

today will be a success if i can do the following:

~ wash my hair
~ get my printer to work
~ go to the post office
~ get emma to tap class on time
~ drink more water
~ not melt in the heat
~ laugh heartily

that’s not asking too much, right?
right?

* * *

whatever you’re doing today, i hope you’re being easy on yourself, too. it’s pretty dang liberating.
xoxo

[trips to the ice cream shop are good for the soul, too]

[because this kid really knows how to make street fashion work with a $5 dress and a $7 pair of shoes.]

* * *

we’re hiding from the outside world (the place where the heat index is 107-degrees and my entire being feels like it’s melting after about three minutes’ exposure), keeping the blinds closed and the fans running. we’re building tents and reading books and watching too much television, lying down to rest (and keep the room from spinning), and putting off all the required work for one more day. i turn on the air conditioner at night, but with the blinds and the fan and the daytime napping, we’re trying not to be too much drain on the daytime electric grid (to this, my husband says “don’t be a hero”; i know i just dread the day the ConEd bill arrives).

i’ve been craving sushi like nobody’s business. and chewing gum. and i had an entire afternoon where i convinced myself i needed an apple computer, but i think i’m over that (enough life changes going on at the moment, thank you. besides, i’m saving my pennies for a fancy stroller, a new crib, and a whole new set of uniforms for emma…fun stuff). i’m just waiting for my energy to come back (i cleaned the bathroom monday, and was useless for the rest of the day), looking forward to some upcoming getaways, and trying to get everything necessary done without missing my much-needed nap-times.

every night before bed, emma gives me a snuggle and kisses “baby beauty” via my belly. it’s one of the sweetest moments of my day.

* * *

hope you’re having sweet dreams (and daydreams of cooler weather), too. xoxo