. . . . . . . . .

i can’t explain the calm, or the peace i still feel, days later.
that sea, that sky, those sweet quiet days where we were tucked in with the darkness of night and up with the light of morning, ready for more adventures…

i feel like i’m privy to a special secret, and i just want to hold onto it, explore and revel in it, share it with those i really really love… i feel like someone who’s had an epiphany, seen the light and is seeing the world with an open heart. i feel refreshed and happy, blessed and lucky. i feel like there’s something waiting for me, nearby in time and distance. i feel open to whatever it is, and so very very hopeful.

[ps: i'm posting on flickr again, maybe just for december....but at least for right now. check it out...]

11 years ago today, I arrived in NYC. Three apartments, two roommates (including the really bad cross-dresser who left me with an unpaid $700 phone bill…), countless jobs, four cats, two dogs, nine+ years of marriage and one Little New Yorker, 10+ times singing at Lincoln Center, one day of singing for the pope, three dinners at Daniel, many many Magnolia Cupcakes, too many amazing theatre experiences to mention, and i’m still here.  i’ve wanted to live in this city since I was 14 years old, and it has been literally a dream come true.

even now, as i scout for houses and dream of a place near the ocean on both coasts (and a quaint lavender farm in the south of france…), making plans and lists for the future, i wonder if I could ever really leave The City.  possibly i’d just miss it tooooo much.  i want my kids to know this city; this is Emma Magnolia’s hometown, as amazing as that still sounds to me.  i feel so proud to have made it here.  to have gotten here, and made it home.  to get to walk through central park as part of everyday life, and just be here.  i don’t know where i’ll end up, but i know this: i’m still not finished with this town.  i’m still living my small-town-girl-in-the-big-city dream; we’re still making it work and feeling lots of love here.  and i’m so very very grateful for that.

time to celebrate.  Empire Diner, anyone?

. . . . . . . . .

horrible sore throats and runny noses (for the bumble and the mama bee)…not quite how i pictured Halloween, but it’s ok.  the schedule’s full: school in the morning, a school party from 11-1:30, home for a little disco-nap, then a neighbor’s party from 3-6 and trick-or-treating through the building immediately following.  not sure if we’ll make it through all that.  all i know is that bear has graciously agreed to keep all the candy away from my greedy little fingers, which i greatly greatly appreciate.

oh, and just in case you don’t know why she’s a bee:  my husband calls me Bee (melissa means “honeybee”, so it works), and when we were pregnant, we called the baby-in-belly The Bumble.  thus the bee reference.  she’s been a bee before (and dorothy last year), but i figured this was the last year Mama Bee would get to choose her costume, and i wanted one more bee year!

(yeah, she’s a girly-girl with the wings and the cinderella-watching, but i also want to point out that she has her tool bench in front of the tv, and spends an ample amount of time “fixing” the cow-on-wheels.)

. . . . . . . . .

[random things: monday]

~ i’m continually haunted by that scene in Master Class where Maria Callas tells the students that you “have to have a look” or you’re nothing…. every season i try to assemble some kind of uniform that will transition from playground-mom to pie-baker to singer to cool city-walker to roll-around-in-the-grass photographer. as such, yesterday i bought boots, skirts, a little black jersey knit dress, the perfect warm-fuzzy sweater, and even (for the first time in years) a pair of really cute, well-fitting jeans. it’s amazing how much a nice outfit can lift your mood. particularly when you’ve bought it for amazingly, blissfully cheap.

~ so, cheap… how come nobody ever told me about Burlington Coat Factory? i mean, grandma used to tell me about it, and mom mentioned it a couple of times….but i just kind of figured it was JCPenney-lite (sorry, ma). but no! i bought my whole “fall/winter uniform” (Nine West boots, BCBG sweater, etc.), and the very most expensive luxury splurge item was only $50. it was absolutely intoxicating…

~ there are 5,763 toys and balls in this house. WHY do they have to fight over the same one? (and by “they” and “fight” i mean, “why does emma have to constantly try to steal the one oliver’s playing with?”)

~ we’re making playdoh today. and melting crayons in muffin tins. oh, and there are six apples begging to be made into pie, and a very pregnant neighbor who has graciously offered to eat the pie if i bake it.

~ oh, and speaking of crayons, Tito Thom sent the cutest crayons shaped like Dora the Explorer…which were an instant hit. BUT, every time one of Dora’s crayon-feet breaks off or (gasp) her little wax head becomes dislodged from the rest of her crayon body, THE KID FREAKS OUT. i have literally spent the morning gluing crayons back together.

~ yes, my life is very very glamorous.

. . . . . . . . .

monday again, huh? the weekend flew by, busy as ever with singing, working, cleaning, pie-baking, napping, date-night… i’ll have to come back later and tell you all about our saturday night spent hanging out with dj-sam ronson and the hottest chefs in town. really, i have so many pictures and lists and things to share, but i’ll be honest with y’all: i am kinda-cranky and kinda-BLAH so far on this monday, possibly owing to the zero-hours of sleep i got last night. so the first priority is going to be a coffee infusion and a warm soak in the tub.

[be back shortly.]

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

[random quote for today]

“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.” ~E.B. White, From Charlotte’s Web

but somewhere along the way, probably at the same time i was borrowing that cool oversized sweater, things got messy between us. we never spoke a word about it, actually, but i think it’s fair to say there were years where we could hardly stand be around each other. we were so competitive, so desperate to make the other think we were Perfect, so careful to never let down our guards… we both had the good grades, and the long list of extra-curriculars, and plenty of friends, but we were both so scared to seem anything less than absolutely, amazingly Good. the irony is, of course, we both really were good girls; neither of us had any cause to be looking over our shoulders, but somehow it tore us apart anyway. we love each other, and we’ve always been connected….but we just couldn’t be that close any more.

life is funny, though. as it turns out, there aren’t really many rewards in adult life for having been a perfect goody-goody straight-A student at age 13. as it turns out, La and i both have lots of battle scars, and after all’s been said and done we’re both proudly and obviously NOT-perfect now. for the first time in years and years, we sat down and talked recently. talked and talked for what seemed like hours….about how we got where we are, and what we’ve learned, and who we are now, and how – really – everyone else can just deal with it or get out of the way. and this conversation – the most honest one we’ve had in at least 20 years, probably longer – made me feel like i’d regained something. an old friend. a sister. somebody that “knew me when…”

happy birthday to my big cousin La. i’m glad to know you again.

[La with her oldest two girls, and my new niece Olivia]

[La's oldest, Alexandra]

[La's middle, Berkeley]

[La's baby, Briley]