sometimes when i’m out walking, i look up and notice the Empire State Building and catch my breath. New York City, my home and love, still makes me giddy, still makes me happy, still makes me proud. somewhere inside, i’m still that girl from southern indiana, dreaming big dreams, looking at the tall buildings in wonder and thinking “someday I’m going to make it happen”.

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i don’t think of myself as an optimist. more of a pragmatic-dreamer. some days….well, some days are really really hard. i may write more soon about Crohn’s and what it means to live with it day-to-day, but when i’m in the throes of it, i really don’t want to talk about it. when i’m in the throes of it, there’s so much yuck and gross and ouch that i don’t feel any relief in speaking it out loud. i learned pretty early to focus on the happy things, to blow the good parts ridiculously, largely out of proportion, and to talk myself into choosing happiness.

it was a gift of perspective, really. at the same time (late 2001) that i was [mis-diagnosed, surgery-botched, then correctly] diagnosed, i saw the world living in fear. closer to home, i saw someone i loved very very much dying from cancer. i was ill and bearing serious side-effects of medication and trying to manage my own health, but being in that hospital every day, watching and waiting with our terminally-ill loved one….i couldn’t find any space in my heart to even worry, much less complain, about my own condition. yeah, mine’s an auto-immune challenge, but it’s not killing me. mine’s not tearing me away from my family. those dark days nine years ago stuck with me as a constant reminder to live every day. be grateful every day. find the beauty and be silly and be brave and be willing to make a spectacle of yourself for love and family.

no, i don’t think it made me an optimist. i just think it reminded me, still reminds me, that life is short. today may well be my last day here; i’m gonna live it up. i’m gonna be genuine and kind. i gonna take too many pictures and make dirty jokes and smile even if i’m hurt. i’m gonna love a little too hard and and make a conscious choice to spread joy. i’m gonna try, anyway.

happy friday, dear friends. i do love you so.

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[thanks for the hat, Miss Jen. it's pure joy, too.]