my grandpa used to say “no matter what, Moon, just promise you’ll have no regrets. no regrets!” and i did promise him that. that i’d live in the moment and never regret the good and bad stuff that got me where i needed to be. and he promised me the same thing, even though i know he had regrets. …and so do i. maybe what he meant was that we can’t go back and change it, so keep walking and eventually the regret will fade? maybe what he meant was “yeah, you’ll go crazy sometimes. it’s ok.”

another friend recently sent me this: “Who fills the teacups when the teapot is empty? You must know when to keep yourself full of life and of strength.” sigh… my teapot has been empty for such a while, but instead of filling it up (or someone else filling it up), i’ve been covering the glass with my hand, pretending there was more to drink.

i keep a stoic face. i hate really complaining. i am really bad at asking for help. i hate needing anything at all. i hate admitting defeat or failure or frailty or need. then suddenly i fall apart, and i wonder why no one saw it coming. i cry and push away the person offering the handkerchief, still unable to really voice what i need, what’s wrong.

i make mistakes, and i don’t know how to fix them. so i just mourn the losses and feel bad and dwell in the moment.

i forgive easily, but hold onto hurt for far too long.
i trust sparingly, but cannot allow myself to be untrusted (i deserve to be trusted).
i have persistent fears of being abandoned, of being unloved, of being not good enough.
i love wholly and eternally.
i am a poetic teenage drama queen.
i am sick of my own melodrama; i want a do-over.

[today's mix]

~ you are my sunshine – johnny cash
~ walk away – ben harper
~ just like a woman – bob dylan
~ wicked little town – hedwig
~ nothing lasts for long – the samples
~ pain (makes you beautiful) – the judbats
~ hide and seek – imogen heap
~ find the river – rem
~ walking after you – foo fighters
~ transatlanticism – death cab for cutie
~ the luckiest - ben folds five
~ nobody’s fault but my own – beck
~ creep – radiohead
~ while my guitar gently weeps – the beatles (LOVE version. of course)
~ my way – frank sinatra