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i want to get back to positivity, but not in some pollyanna fakey-fake way. i want to live real and be open about my flaws and fears and general nuttiness, but i want to live a life of gratitude and positivity. when i went through that unbelievably challenging late-2001 turn of events (illness in the family, illness in me, unfathomable changes and grief all around), i felt like i had been given the gift of perspective. yes, i was sicker than i’d ever been; i was scared and battered and literally bleeding from the crohn’s disease, getting worse with the meds, missing home, and unsure of what would happen next. at the same time, Bear’s father was battling cancer. i moved in with them to help as much as i could; despite the challenges my own health was bringing, this felt like the only right thing to do. watching my very gentle and treasured father-in-law go through those final days as he ultimately lost the cancer battle, i was acutely aware that my own battle was going to be ok. crohn’s disease sucks; i live with it, and deal with painful aspects and everyday struggles i keep hidden from most of the world. but it’s NOT going to kill me. it’s not the same as that cancer battle i watched Romy (and Gramps, and Ms. Luciano, my beloved voice teacher) wage. i can live through this. i vowed in those long days at the hospital that i would never forget this: i am ok. i have my life. my life is good.

negative energy, feeling like a victim, thinking your problems are insurmountable (or that they define you)…it’s all so easy. but it has such a dark energy about it, and it’s contagious. in the last few months, as i’ve become more mired in my own moods, i feel like i started to lose some of the bright side. it takes energy every day for me to stay up / stay positive, but it’s the only way i want to live. i won’t pretend everything’s perfect or lovely, and i give myself license to complain and joke about the bad things, but i just can’t live in the negative, or i really won’t make it.

today i was really inspired by brene brown’s new blog (you must read her manifesto on authenticity. i wish i’d written it myself, but instead i’ll just have to cling to it and commit it to my own life). i am inspired by this bit in particular:

“Choosing authenticity is an act of resistance.

I want to create a movement! Let’s take to the streets with our messy, imperfect, wild, stretch-marked, wonderful, heartbreaking, grace-filled, and joyful lives. I don’t care who you are or how big your house is or how perfect your life looks – EVERYONE has a story that will break your heart. Let’s tell our stories and reclaim those hearts – every single piece!”

so….what am i babbling about here? well, it was all just a reminder of the road i’m trying to walk here, and the person i need to keep trying to be. for starters, i’m delving back into a full month of the Grateful Daily project (one picture or memory each day that reminds me of the good around and within). i’m surrounding myself with positive people and vowing to be a positive person in the lives of those around me. i’m loving wholeheartedly and giving myself permission to be as raw and open and true as my soul feels. i’m here….really really here, and i’m trying to cultivate joy.

…i’d love it if you’d join me on the journey, too.