i have a whole set of em+me pictures to post, but it’s darn near (ok, darn past) bedtime, my man has been snoring for an hour, and i can’t get my mind to quiet. there are so many people i want to see today, friends i need to talk to, comfort i’m seeking, plans i’m trying (in vain, methinks) to force into place, and words i’m trying to find.

it’s my grandma’s birthday. well, it was my grandma’s birthday (is it terribly naive to say i just never imagined that grams would die before i had a chance to grow old, too?). if you were here today, Grams, we’d go out for breakfast at JoJo’s like we always did…you’d be so proud of emma’s very-passable-for-age-three table manners (but not at all surprised; “all my grandbabies have good manners,” you’d say), and probably retell, for the hundredth time, the story of having to take me outside the restaurant and hose me down after a particularly spirited birthday party because i was so covered in cake…

after breakfast, we’d go back to your house and sit around the table forever just talking. i’d pour a Diet Rite cola into one of those heavy glass golf-mugs you had, filled with ice. (the sound of ice crackling in a glass of warm soda reminds me of hours spent at Grams’.) we’d talk (carefully) about politics, about people we know and people we don’t. we’d talk (carefully) about religion and church. you’d tell me you’re proud of me, but you wish new york wasn’t so far away from home. we’d talk about how hard the winter is, and you’d tell me it’s all going to be ok, that you survived things which seemed truly unbearable at the time, that it’s ok to go through really dark times and it’s ok to admit that sometimes you just want to stay in your pajamas all day. we’d talk about family and all the stray people you took in and ‘raised’ through the years. we’d talk about your friends and how much they meant to you. we’d talk about being sick, and how sometimes you just feel like you’re being eaten alive.

we wouldn’t talk about the really really bad times, because they were just understood. we wouldn’t talk about the very worst things, or the people that hurt us the most, but we understood them, too. you’d dote on emma but not spoil her. you’d teach her to play go fish and uno and chinese checkers. you’d sing her really really sad songs and tell her “little martian” jokes like the ones you told all along the drive to Washington DC when i was 9. you’d make her feel special, just like you did me, and she’d look forward to spending time with you. she’d notice right away how talented you were at decorating and all things crafty (crochet, cross-stitch, ceramics, and oh how we loved those hand-sewn outfits you always gave us for christmas! the reversible denim/red-bandana-print vest?! the matching fancy dresses for me and my cabbage patch doll?! the curduroy jumper with my name embroidered across the front?! …all with tags that said “made with love by grandma”), and how smart you were (from this, she’d learn to never judge a person by academic degrees or the amount of schooling they have; your formal education may not have been much, but you were so very smart). i’d tell her about the big house you had in Warshington and how i loved running up and down the stairs, playing upstairs in your sewing room and downstairs with the toy accordion, riding through the neighborhood on the golf cart, feeling like a was the star of the show, the center of attention.

i miss you so much, Grandma. i miss hearing you call me “Missy Beth”, and i miss your hugs, and i miss telling you just how beautiful you looked in the color yellow. i miss those afternoons sitting around the table, and i miss the sound of clinking china when you were doing dishes. you could be so difficult sometimes, such a slave to your own temperament….but i learned from that, too. you and Grandpa gave me so very much in this world, and i would give anything for my little girl to have that, too.

xoxo

[in the kitchen. grandma made perfect holiday meals, making sure there was 7-layer salad (my favorite) and extra crescent rolls (for Cousin Ali), and always served ice cream cake at family gatherings...]